Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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