Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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