I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
