the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
