Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
