At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What a dumb baby whore.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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