capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
