nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
