I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
