I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
