I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
