im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
