One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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