Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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