Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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