how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
