hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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