i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
