Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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