Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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