I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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