My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
