Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
