I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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