Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
