And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
