Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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