They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize