I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
