Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
