hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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