me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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