omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize