Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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