So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
