hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize