Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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