I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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