Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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