Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize