I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
