He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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