i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize