The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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