I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
