Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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