it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
