If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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