So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
