guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Found the puke drawer
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
