forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
