i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
