That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
