great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
