Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
