Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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