My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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