I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize