dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The feeling are messing with the penis
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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