Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
