the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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