Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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