i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
