Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
